What Drives You On Can Drive You Mad
by SatineSatire
Summary: Tony knows better than to snoop but he does it anyway. When he finds out something terrible about his past Natasha is the only one who can comfort and ground him. Yet she has her own worries and fears. Set in the Fire and Ice verse, when they are a married couple raising twins.


Disclaimer: Marvel owns the Avengers. The kidlets and pets come from my own imagination.  
Author's Note: I am sorry it has taken me two years to get a new story out. I hope that you all enjoy this one!

* * *

Things had been going so well for her family that Natasha had relaxed and let her guard down. She should have known better. She had been trained to know better. But being happy and content had softened her and when things had imploded she was honestly shocked.

"Jarvis, is Tony still down in the lab?" she asked, pacing in the bedroom. The carpet was soft against her bare feet but she scarcely noticed it. Her right hand loosely held her phone, waiting to get a text message back from Sarah to confirm that she and Steve could pick up the girls for an impromptu sleepover with their boys.

"Yes, Natasha." It should not have been possible for AI to have emotion in its voice but Jarvis was no ordinary AI. She caught the uneasy tone immediately.

"And?" she prompted him.

"And if you were to search for a bottle of Stolichnaya in the freezer you would find it missing," Jarvis stated after a moment of pause.

Her stomach dropped. Tony hadn't had anything to drink since before the twins were born. They still kept wine and other liquor in the mansion for guests and parties, but he had shown no interest in alcohol in years.

Her phone chimed and she looked down at the screen.

 _Steve's staying with the kids. I'll be right over,_ Sarah had texted.

 _Thanks_ , Natasha texted back. She slid the phone into her back pocket and hurried across the hall into the twins' nursery.

The three-year-old girls were playing in the corner of the room that contained their play kitchen. Anya was rifling through the play fridge that was taller than she was, while Katya was pretending to put something in the oven. Both girls turned to look at their mother when they finally noticed her presence.

"Mommy! I cook," Katya said, pointing at the oven. It had a timer that dinged when the "food" was ready.

"I eat," Anya announced, her arms full of plastic hamburger buns, a burger patty, and all the fixings.

Natasha smiled and stepped closer to them, bending to give each girl a kiss atop their heads. "Yes, I see! You're a good cook, and you're a good eater. Aunt Sarah is coming over to pick you two up for a sleepover. So why don't we put this away so I can pack your bags?"

Anya usually had to be coaxed into putting away her toys. But she loved sleepovers at the Rogers' so she opened the fridge and haphazardly crammed her toys back into the fridge. Then she slammed the doors shut with such force that the play fridge shook slightly.

Katya opened the oven and took the baking dish out, setting it back into its little cabinet.

"All done!" Anya announced.

"Good job." Natasha smiled at them. "Go get your bags." She began pulling things out of their dressers as the twins hurried to pull their overnight bags from the closet. The bags were both within easy reach on a shelf. One was purple with A on it and the other was pink with K on it. Tony had had them custom made, and each girl had picked the color and design.

Natasha listened to the twins chatter as she packed their things. She tried hard to concentrate on what they were saying so she could make comments. It was difficult, though, because she felt so distracted by what was happening with her husband.

"Natasha, Sarah has entered the driveway," Jarvis announced. Like Natasha had with 'Mrs. Stark', Sarah had balked at being referred to as 'Mrs. Rogers' by Jarvis and had pleaded for Jarvis to be programmed to call her by her first name.

Anya cheered and headed downstairs, leaving her sister and mother behind. Natasha picked up the bags and placed one over each shoulder, thinking of how much Anya took after Tony. "Come on, honey," she said, holding out her hand to Katya. Katya took it with a smile and walked beside her mother.

 _Do you take after me then? Was I really that sweet and gentle when I was young?_ she wondered to herself. _Before Red Room?_ She would never know, and on some level that hurt. It also saddened her that Anya and Katya had no living grandparents.

Anya was thwarted from opening the front doors due to the childproofing that Tony had personally overseen. As he put it once, as clever as his little monkeys were he was still smarter due to being older. Anya frowned at the doors. "Open now!" she commanded.

"Anya," Natasha said reproachfully as she and Katya stepped off the stairs. "Be patient, please." She released Katya's hand and shooed Anya out of the way so she could open one of the doors.

Sarah had already parked and was getting out of her SUV. "Hey!" she said, going up to the front door. "Ready to go?" she asked the girls with a smile.

The twins jumped up and down excitedly. Then Katya paused. "Say bye Daddy?" she asked, looking up at her mother.

Natasha slipped on her shoes that were by the door and went over to the SUV to put the bags inside and help Sarah buckle the girls into the child seats. "Daddy's in the lab busy with work," she said lightly. "I'll tell him you said bye," she promised.

'Daddy in the lab' was not a new concept to the twins so they accepted the explanation without question. Natasha kissed each little face, telling them she'd see them tomorrow.

Sarah closed the backseat door and went to the driver's side. She looked across the hood of her car to Natasha.

"Steve thought it was better if he didn't come on to the property today," she said softly.

Natasha nodded. "I understand. Where's… where's Bucky?"

"Asgard."

She felt a sense of relief. Tony wouldn't be able to get into Asgard on his own, which meant the likelihood of Tony doing something stupid was diminished. "Good."

"He'll come back when Steve needs him. But with a wife and new baby… it won't be anytime soon."

Natasha nodded again. "Thanks, Sarah. I'll see you tomorrow." She waved at her daughters and watched until Sarah drove past the gates. Sighing, she went back inside. Her stomach was knotted up in anxiety, a sensation she disliked. She locked up – having the twins had made her extra paranoid about security – and then went down into the basement lab. She input her code into the door and stepped into the lab.

Tony was sitting at his desk, which had several different monitor screens in front and to the sides. On most of them the footage from HYDRA was playing that showed his parents' murder. His hair was sticking up in different directions, as if he'd been running his hands and twisting his fingers through his hair in agitation. The bottle of Stoli was off to the side, a tumbler sat beside it that was three-quarters full with what she knew was not water.

"Tony, you need to turn that off."

Her voice startled him and he turned around to stare blankly at his wife.

"Turn it _off_ ," she said again, more forcefully. When he didn't and instead turned back to one of the screens, she walked over and began yanking the surge protectors out of the wall. The screens going black finally made him react.

"Natasha, stop!"

"You swore to me that you weren't going to obsess over HYDRA, and that you weren't going to look through the data dumps," she said, turning to look at him.

Tony couldn't quite meet her gaze. "You should have known better than to believe that," he said, which was exactly the wrong thing to say.

Natasha flinched, and he was instantly filled with remorse.

"Tasha—"

"You're absolutely right," she said calmly. "I should not have been so stupid as to trust you about something like this." She sat down in her office chair, which was smaller and plusher than his. It had wheels and she rolled closer to him, yet stayed far enough out of reach where he could not touch her.

Tony reached a hand out to her but she tilted her head and gave him a sharp stare that made him draw back. Her nonverbal cues had always spoken louder than her carefully measured words.

"Where are the girls?" he asked, rubbing his face wearily.

"Sarah picked them up for a sleepover."

"Okay. Good."

A tense silence stretched between them. Seconds ticked into minutes and still she didn't say a word to him. The silence wore at him and he broke first, as she knew would happen.

"He killed them."

"I know." Her voice was soft and gentle. If she had been angry or hurt before, there was no evidence of it now. "I'm sorry, Tony."

Tony looked over at her through eyes that were tearing up. "Why my mother? She wasn't… she wasn't involved in any of that. My father wouldn't have told her anything about SHIELD or any of that shit. She was… she was…"

Natasha slid closer to him and took his hand in hers. She pressed her lips together, torn between her desire to comfort him and to explain things. Her desire to comfort won out. She stood up and wrapped her arms around him, pressing his head against her chest. She felt him shudder and then heard the muffled sob.

Her fingers threaded through his hair, stroking it and letting him cry. She didn't know how much time passed but eventually he pulled away from her, seeming faintly calmer.

Natasha grabbed a tissue from the box she kept down there (even though the twins were not allowed there unattended they still managed to occasionally make messes) and wiped his face.

"I can give you some answers," she said carefully. "I was never involved with HYDRA as an active agent." At least not that she remembered, and she dearly hoped that was true. "But I have an understanding of how organizations like HYDRA work so I think I can help you to understand what happened. Understanding will not necessarily bring closure or peace, though," she cautioned.

He considered that. "I still want to know."

"She died because she was a witness. Because she saw the Winter Soldier kill your father. I don't think she was a target. If she hadn't been in that car, I don't think she'd have been killed."

He closed his eyes and grit his teeth. It was what he had suspected. "Do you think Steve knew what he did?"

Natasha sat back down. "I don't know," she said vaguely. She loved Steve and wasn't going to throw him under the bus.

"He'd have protected him." His tone was accusing.

"Yes. Like Steve would protect me," she answered. "Like he _has_ protected me."

Tony looked at her sharply. "You aren't like Bucky."

"Oh, but I am," she said, and smiled sadly. "Except he was brainwashed and had his memory tampered with over and over to keep him obedient. I was… indoctrinated at a young age but the things I did… the horrible things… that was _all_ me."

"You didn't have a choice."

She did but in the end she hadn't wanted to die, and that is why she did what she had. "Did he?"

Tony turned away from her, almost angrily. He wanted to say _yes!_ But was it true?

"Even though I try not to, I remember all the people that I killed. I don't even know if they deserved it. I didn't get to ask questions. I got photographs and a file, and my orders. It wasn't personal. I didn't feel anything when I ended their lives. I only knew I didn't want to fail, because I knew what would happen to me if I did. And I existed that way until…"

"Until?"

"Until I saw myself in a child, and I couldn't turn her into what I had become. Clint caught me, because I wanted to be caught, and instead of killing me he gave me a chance to redeem myself. Did I deserve it? No," she confessed softly. "I know that no matter how many people I save, it'll never undo all the lives I took. And not just took – _ruined._ The mothers and fathers, siblings, spouses and significant others that were left behind to pick up the pieces after their loved one was murdered. That _I_ murdered." She looked at her husband and her eyes brimmed with tears that she struggled to hold back. "I'm so sorry about your parents, Tony. I mean that with all my heart. But Bucky isn't responsible for it. He was the weapon that was deployed, but the ones that sent him out are the ones that are responsible."

Tony was silent as he listened to her. Her heard the subtle shift in her voice and lifted his head. "Tasha, Tasha, don't cry." He hated when she cried. It happened so rarely. She had never used her tears to manipulate him so he knew that she was genuinely upset now.

"I'm not crying," she shot back hoarsely, looking away.

"Yeah, now you sound like Anya when she broke your lipstick and had it ALL over her face yet insisted she had _not_ broken the lipstick or even touched it."

Natasha let out a laugh at that and he relaxed slightly. Then he sighed.

"I'm still… so angry about what happened," Tony said quietly. "It's going to be a long time before I get past that anger. Because when I see him, I'm going to see what he did to my parents." He clenched his hands then sighed again. "But you're right. He was just a pawn."

"You won't have to see him anytime soon. Sarah said he's out of this realm… with his wife and a new baby."

Her tone was pointed but he didn't understand what she was suggesting. "What?" he asked, a touch defensively.

"If in the future you get angrier and vengeful, just remember that if you hurt or kill him you won't just be hurting or killing him. You'll be hurting his innocent wife and child, too. You're better than that, Tony. And the cycle of pain and destruction isn't one that you or I are going to continue."

He wanted to say that no, sometimes he could be quite petty (occasionally he had moments of self-awareness that included enlightenment on his more unflattering personality traits). But the thought of indirectly hurting a woman and child made him feel ill. He knew how he would feel if anything happened to Natasha and their daughters and it wasn't something he'd knowingly inflict on another.

"Sometimes I'm afraid."

He was distracted by his thoughts and it took a moment to register that she'd spoken. "You, afraid?"

Natasha smiled faintly. "Not about anything happening to me. About someone hurting you or the girls as revenge for whatever I did to them in the past. Because while I'd deserve it, you and the girls don't."

He touched her beautiful face gently. "We'll protect each other, Tash, and we'll both protect the twins. You _don't_ deserve anything bad to happen. I don't, and won't believe that."

Tony was fiercely loyal to those he loved, she knew. How many times had Bruce as Hulk destroyed something and yet Tony still treated him the same irreverent and friendly way he had always treated his fellow scientist.

"Thank you," she said, turning to kiss his hand. "So… you're not going to make barbed comments at Steve whenever we get together? Because that would be really awkward."

Tony shifted in his seat. "I mean… I'll still make fun of him for being old and boring. That's allowed, isn't it?"

She sighed. "Well, at least you're sounding more like yourself."

"Yeah. This whole weeping into your drink is so… _years ago_."

Natasha looked over at the nearly full bottle of vodka. "It doesn't seem like you really got started."

"I had a few sips…" he admitted. "But… it really burned. I'm just not used to drinking anymore."

"Which is a good thing." She frowned. "Maybe we should just not keep liquor in the house at all. We could always do a bring your own booze thing for parties and then throw away the rest afterward."

"No! Bring your own booze is so _tacky_ ," he said, making a face. "No, it's fine, babe. I can handle it. I could have forced myself to drink more of it to get drunk but… I didn't. It was a mistake to even have the little I did but I stopped myself before it got worse."

Natasha nodded, relaxing slightly. She had been afraid of finding him an intoxicated sobbing mess.

"Do you want to finish it?" he asked, nodding at the bottle.

"I can't drink a whole bottle," she said. Well, she could, but she wasn't about to admit that to him. And it had been years since she'd done that. "No, I'll just put it back in the freezer after I seal it up."

"I meant the glass."

"No, I don't feel like it," she said dismissively.

Tony thought that was a little unusual, but figured it was because she was still upset. "I'm…" He trailed off, and cleared his throat. "I'm sorry."

"About?" She had a good idea to what he was referring but was not about to let him weasel out of giving a true apology.

Tony knew she would not let him take the easy way out. It was why he loved her; she took care of him and was loving but also wasn't afraid of calling him out on his crap and pointing out when he was wrong without backing down. "For lying to you. When I promised you I wouldn't dig through the data dump. At the time I promised you, I had meant it." He wanted her to know that he hadn't deliberately lied to her when he made that promise. "But the longer time went on the more I got curious and I couldn't stop myself. I didn't find anything but old useless crap for the longest time. And then I decrypted the footage and…" he trailed off.

"And you still didn't tell me. I had to piece it together from the weird acting out behavior Sarah had noticed in you at HQ. And then when she and Steve put two and two together… they let me know what had happened."

"Don't let anyone ever call her a blonde ditz, because she's not," Tony said ruefully.

"High praise indeed," she answered dryly. She was quiet for a moment. "I forgive you. I probably should not have made you promise such a thing anyway. It's just that I worried about what was hidden in the data that could end up hurting you."

Tony mumbled something.

"What?"

"I said, you were right."

She blinked in astonishment.

"Don't get used to hearing it or anything," he added quickly. "I still think I'm right almost all of the other times."

"Of course." She managed to hold back a smirk. At least he was honest about his narcissism.

"So... are we good?"

"We're good, Tony," she assured him. When all was said and done, she loved him.

His stomach growled and he looked down at it in surprise.

"Yes, that happens when your body wants food," she said, as if explaining it to one of their daughters. "You look a mess. Go upstairs and wash up. I'll clean up here then go upstairs and make some dinner."

"In high heels and pearls?"

"Don't push your luck."

* * *

Steve cleaned up the kitchen while his wife put their baby son to bed. The other children had gone to sleep fairly easily enough, and he was thankful for that. "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus!" had been followed by a few chapters from the more sedate "Winnie the Pooh" and the three children had fallen asleep midway through In Which Pooh and Piglet Go Hunting and Nearly Catch a Woozle.

He had a feeling playtime tomorrow would involve attempting to catch woozles in the backyard. He also had a feeling their dog Hershey would be playing the woozle. Oh well, better Hershey than him. He still wasn't quite over having to play horsey the other day.

Steve loaded up the dishwasher and wiped down the counters. He felt someone watching and turned to see his wife standing in the doorway, smiling at him.

"You need to wear a bell," he joked, and she smiled wider.

"Sorry. It's just so… yummy watching a man actually do things like clean up without whining or complaining."

"I'm not prone to doing either." He beckoned her to him and when she was close enough he rested his hands on her hips. "Besides, you do a lot of work at home with taking care of… me, a preschooler, a baby, a dog."

"I'm happy to have a family to care for," she said, and kissed him.

He returned the kiss. "Me too," he said, pulling her against him. Especially since he thought that had been lost to him long ago.

Sarah was quiet for a moment. "Tasha asked about Bucky. I told her he was in Asgard. She seemed relieved."

Steve nodded. "Because then Tony won't go pick a fight."

"Exactly. It's just better all around if that doesn't happen." She pulled back slightly to look up at her husband. "Have you heard from Bucky?"

He shook his head. "Not since we got the baby pictures of Isadora. I think he's busy looking after her and Kisa."

Sarah smiled. "I can't wait to go see them." When Thor had taken over as King of Asgard with Sif as his queen, he had apologetically informed Steve that he would be unable to help out Earth because the people of Asgard came first. He had, however, sent his niece in his place to assist them when necessary and to atone for the crimes her father Loki had committed. Kisa had no preconceived notions against Bucky and the two worked well together. Very well together, apparently.

"We'll go as soon as Bucky says Kisa's feeling up to receiving visitors," he assured her.

"Yeah… believe me, I haven't forgotten the grogginess from exhaustion and sleep deprivation that is part of the joy of having a newborn."

"Can you imagine what it would be like if we were normal humans?"

She cringed. "I'd rather not. I mean, I know people do that every single day but…"

"It's nice to have help," he finished.

"Yup. Otherwise it would be easy to confuse me for a cast member of an apocalyptical zombie show."

He groaned. "I don't understand the reference and I'm worried now you're going to show me."

"You know me too well, honey," she said, already dragging him to the living room and ignoring his mild protests.

* * *

Natasha couldn't sleep that night. She had been truthful when she told Tony she was no longer upset about what happened. But her mind wouldn't quiet and she finally decided to get up and go outside.

The pool area was secure and high enough up that it had a nice view. She stood out there in her dressing gown, the wind lightly ruffling her hair.

All she could think of was how much she didn't deserve the life she had now. If there was any justice, she should be in prison for all the things she'd done in her life. Yes, she had started to redeem herself when offered a chance but sometimes she felt it was too late.

Life wasn't fair, she reflected as she peered down into the pool water. She knew that better than anyone. She'd risked her life time and time again to do the right thing, to help people. But was it because she was a good person? Or because she was trying to make up for things?

No one was harder on her than she was.

"Hey."

The voice from behind her made her jump and she automatically moved into a fighting stance before her brain registered it was her husband.

Tony blinked at her. "It's too late to spar," he said mildly.

"Sorry," she said sheepishly, straightening back up.

"S'okay. At least you didn't punch me in the face. Or flip me over your shoulder onto the ground."

"I only recently did those things one time, each," she said with dignity. "And that's your own damn fault for making me watch those Paranormal Activity movies and then sneaking up and saying boo behind me when I was getting more snacks."

"I didn't think you'd get scared by the boo _twice_ in one night," Tony said, laughing as he recalled it. The look on her face had been worth the black eye and sore back.

"You didn't have to tell the twins that Mommy beat Daddy up!"

"Oh, come on. They knew I was kidding. And I did tell them it was an accident and you were sorry." He paused. "Well, you didn't actually say you were sorry…"

"I know." She smirked.

"But I _assumed_."

"Uh huh." She let out a yawn, which took her by surprise.

Tony sat down in a lounge chair. "Why you up so late, baby? Bad dreams?"

She sat down next to him. "No. I couldn't even get to sleep. I came out here rather than toss and turn and wake you up."

"I woke up when I guess I reached out for you in my sleep and felt you were gone." Tony didn't mention that he'd a moment of blind panic, and when he'd gone into the nursery to look for her he'd forgotten the twins were at a sleepover. The fear had swamped him until Jarvis, ever alert, informed him the twins were at the Rogers' and Natasha was out by the pool.

"It's peaceful here."

"I know." He rubbed her shoulders and she relaxed. "So what's on your mind?" he prompted, kissing her neck.

Natasha shivered. "It's just… you don't know all of my past. And I guess I'm afraid that when it all comes out you'll not only look at me differently but you'll feel differently about me."

"That'll never happen."

"Tony…" She turned away, sighing. He spoke with such conviction.

"No. Look at me." He waited until she reluctantly faced him. "I know that you were an assassin and a spy. I know what that means. I know you killed lots of people. But that isn't you anymore. I didn't know that person. I know _you_ and I love you so much." He cupped her face in his hands. "You're a good person. If you weren't you wouldn't try so hard to protect others. To protect me from the you that you think will scare me off."

Her lips twitched faintly. "Maybe I really am that scary."

"You're scary," he admitted. "But not that scary. And you tried to scare me off when I pursued you. It didn't work then. It won't work now – or ever."

"I don't deserve you." The admission was soft and hesitant.

His eyes widened. "Are you kidding me? I'm the one that's lucky to have you. I can't imagine anyone else being strong enough to put up with me. I mean it. You're a fucking saint for being with me for years."

"Language!" she said, laughing though.

"Oh, now you sound like Steve."

"I only tell you to watch it because you know how the twins parrot things."

He paused. "Yeah okay, probably don't want them showing up at preschool saying, "My daddy says fuck." And you know Anya would be the one to do it. Good point."

"You're…" She laughed again, softly. "There's no one else like you in the world."

"That's for damn sure. I'm completely unique," he said proudly.

"Yes, of course you are."

"Are you being patronizing?"

"Just a little."

"Women." He sniffed and was glad to see her smiling.

Natasha yawned again and rubbed her eyes.

"Come on, baby, we should get some sleep. The twins won't wake us up at 6 a.m. tomorrow so we should enjoy it while it lasts."

"I wake up before 6 a.m.," she reminded him.

He paused. "Okay, well, I'll enjoy it while it lasts," he said without missing a beat.

"Yeah." She smirked at him, heading inside. She locked the doors and Tony reset the alarm. She yelped when he suddenly scooped her up in his arms.

"Are you sure you're not going to throw out your back?" she asked.

"Ha ha. I'm not that old." He went upstairs with her.

"Not yet."

"Oh, Lady Stark has jokes."

"Not the Game of Thrones references again. You are such a nerd."

"You _got_ the reference, so now who's the nerd?"

"Still you."

Tony laughed. "I'm not going to win this one, am I?"

"Hm… nope."

Tony smiled, feeling much better than he had earlier. He knew that she was still ashamed about some things in her past and would, in time, tell him. Or she may not ever tell him. Either one was fine with him. He loved her and just wanted her to be happy. He still was angry about his parents' deaths but he wasn't going to let it control him or dictate his actions.

Not when he had Natasha and their girls to think of first.

It was one thing that his father hadn't been able to get right. His father had put an obsession with work ahead of everything, and in the end it had cost him his life and his mother's life. And if he were honest, it had also cost them a true father-son relationship.

Tony wasn't going to repeat his father's mistakes. He knew he couldn't entirely help his obsessive nature and when he fixated on something he'd pursue it to the ends of the earth. But he also knew how self-destructive that was and he had no intention of destroying his family.

Natasha was right, he admitted. The cycle of pain and destruction wasn't one that he wanted to continue.

It was not one he would continue.


End file.
